The Pint Father

Anyone want to read a play I made a while back. It’s pretty short, shorter than the majority of the stuff I post on this wonderful blog St. J Writing. But I got a little funny with this work. I’m not really familiar with many plays so I took a lot of inspiration from the one play I do know, A Christmas Carol. My play, The Pint Father, is about an alcoholic in 1800’s England. He goes throughout his daily life trying to piece together the events that unfolded the previous night that he cannot recall. We meet his friends, enemies, and a great secret is revealed. Enjoy!

 

The Pint Father

 

Cast

                        Sam Connor              – Male, 43, Intolerable drunk.

                        Brooke Storm            – Female, 34, Depressed widow

                        Hatch                          – Humble bartender

                        Wesley & Jimmy       – Homeless men on a bench

                       Mother & Daughter  – Walking bystanders on their way to school

                        Coffin holders           – Hard working men who mistakenly think Sam is dead

 

Setting

                                     Road’s side behind a cemetery

                                     Hatch’s Pub

 

Notes

Opening scene – on a quiet road where a fence is crafted into the background to show the cemetery in the distance.

Bar scene – The bar is noticeably empty and not well kept.

This is during the depression so clothing and speech should both match the money and time standards of this era.

 

 

Act 1

 

Along the cemetery gates, beside an empty

street. A group of men carries a cheaply

built wooden coffin down the street.

 

COFFIN HOLDERS

(Chanting) May I also find the way through repentance, I am the sheep that was lost, call me up to you, oh savior and save me.

One of the holders coughs shaking the coffin

forcing them to stop next to a bench

where two men in thick rags were

awoken after the cold night.

WESLEY

Hey Jimmy, wake up. Come look at this.

JIMMY

What’s that Wes? Oh, it’s a funeral. That’d be the first of the week, wouldn’t it?

WESLEY

Last week was slow, the city held in there didn’t they.

JIMMY

Oh yes, quite the relief it was that I wasn’t among those poor souls.

WESLEY

Quite the relief indeed. Hey, ol chap! Who’s gone bit the dust this time?

COFFIN HOLDER

This here’s ol Sam, we found em out under a tree with a bottle rolling between his legs. I’d say it was the cold that got him.

WESLEY

Sam, Sam Connor! You don’t say?

Enters a woman and her daughter.

DAUGHTER

Mommy, who is he, who’s in the box?

COFFIN HOLDER

That’d be Sam Connor, my dear.

MOTHER

Who?

COFFIN HOLDER 2

A Drunk.

COFFIN HOLDER 3

A Moron.

COFFIN HOLDER 4

A Fool.

Enters Jacob, running.

JACOB

Is that really Sam in there?

COFFIN HOLDER

Last time I checked.

JACOB

Damnit, that ol fool owes me money.

WESLEY

Ha! Well, that makes you the fool there, now doesn’t it. That man’s never paid a debt in his life!

JIMMY

If anything, he’s more likely to pay you back in death than if he was still living.

WESLEY

The man had a cold grip on his coin sack.

JIMMY

Now he’s just got a cold grip.

The two laughed as Jacob storms off.

COFFIN HOLDER

Alright, boys!

COFFIN HOLDERS

(Chanting) Blessed are you O Lord-

One man coughs again rocking the coffin.

SAM CONNOR

OW!

COFFIN HOLDER 2

-Teach me your statutes.

DAUGHTER

Mommy, Mommy, there’s a man in there.

Mother slaps the girl over the head.

MOTHER

Of course there’s a man in there. Come now, or we’ll be late to-

                                                                                    The coffin shakes.

SAM CONNOR

What in Hell. Someone gemme outta this damn thing!

Terrified, the Coffin Holders drop the box

shattering it into pieces revealing Sam.

Coffin Holders 3 & 4 exit screaming.

The Mother shrieks.

COFFIN HOLDER

A Ghoul.

COFFIN HOLDER 2

A Ghost.

JIMMY

Demon!

SAM CONNOR

Aw heck, Bloody Christ that hurt. I got splinters in places I can’t name in front of children.

MOTHER

Come on now dear.

DAUGHTER

But I wanna see the magic man.

                                                                                    Mother and child exit.

COFFIN HOLDER 2

He ain’t dead.

SAM CONNER

Brilliant deduction, you Scot. Now tell me, was it you or your numpty friend over there who put me in that damned box.

COFFIN HOLDER

I found ye under Beech tree with a bottle still tight in your grasp. You were bleeding from the head quite a bit and wouldn’t respond to shouts or even a quick jab with a stick.

SAM CONNOR

Huh, I must have been sipping on Gin, this happens time to time.

WESLEY

You often get mistaken for the dead after drinking?

SAM CONNOR

Only after Gin. God Wesley, if you’re going to listen in then pay attention. Ah, Christ! Why would I drink that stuff?

COFFIN HOLDER

What happen to ye last night? We found you a few blocks back where there aren’t any pubs.

SAM CONNOR

That’s the worst of it, I don’t have the slightest idea what happened or why I would drink like that and Gin out of all things.

JIMMY

Sam, you’re the heaviest drinker I know, I don’t know what got you all miffed up, how’s this different than any other night you head out into town.

SAM CONNOR

Can you hear yourself, Jim!? I am a professional at what I do. I know just what to drink, how much to chug down, and a master navigator while under the bottle. These types of things just don’t happen to me.

WESLEY

I don’t know Sam, what about last Easter.

JIMMY

I remember that! You honked in Jacob’s glass without him realizing, then ran off into the bathroom in a panic. Nobody saw you again for a full day and a half when the tender finally decided to clean up the bathrooms.

WESLEY

The best part was poor ol Jacob didn’t even notice till after he took a sip.

JIMMY

Yes, yes! Oh, the look on his face was priceless, just pure gold.

WESLEY

You’re lucky he didn’t catch you there, Sammy. The barf in his beer plus your unpaid debts, Jacob’d be sure to make that night your last.

SAM CONNOR

I’m not gonna worry about him, I don’t have his money or any intentions of paying the man. I don’t have time for this. Hey, you two. Your plans for today got cut short, show me where you found me this morning.

COFFIN HOLDER 2

You know we still have jobs to do today Sam. It’s not easy work, but it keeps me feed.

SAM CONNOR

A little more so than most, I’d say.

                                                                                    Sam slaps his plump belly.

COFFIN HOLDER 2

Why you-

COFFIN HOLDER

Easy there now, we’re all pals here. How bout this Sam, the tree we found ye under was on Camby’s Lane, right across from the new church they put up. You should find it fairly easily. There we go, no need to start problems when we already have em.

COFFIN HOLDER 2

I was just saying, I had to dig a grave for this guy already. The last thing I need is for him to waste any more of my day.

SAM CONNOR

I see where you’re coming from, I suppose one could say some gratitude is in order. Some would say what you did for me was kindhearted, while there are other who may see this as kidnapping, I, on the other hand, respect the work you two have done. Neither of you, by any chance, rummaged through my pockets when you found me, correct?

COFFIN HOLDER

Why I’d never-

SAM CONNOR

Good, then you’ll receive the same reward as any humble gravedigger.

He said shaking the man’s hand

as he strolled along past them.

                                    SAM CONNOR

Hey, at least the handshake was warm this time, right. Oh yeah, and fellas. Next time, be sure to check the pulse before you put me in that damned box!

He laughs to himself while walking

away not making it far until

Jacob appears.

JACOB

Sam Connor!

SAM CONNOR

Jacob!

JACOB

Sam, what is this!? I heard you were dead. I saw them taking you away in a casket!

SAM CONNOR

Me, no. Are you sure it was this Sam Connor right here, I’m sure there are others of us, perhaps a Sam Conner, I think I’ve heard the name before, then there’s a Sammy Conner, distant cousin, doesn’t write much, I think-

JACOB

Sam, you son of a-

SAM CONNOR

Aw, come on now Jacob-

JACOB

You thought you could fake your death, didn’t you? To get out of paying me my money. Fifty dollars, October the ninth! I haven’t forgotten a damn thing! And to think I almost let you get away with it.

SAM CONNOR

Unfortunately, I’m fresh out of coin at the moment. Also, I didn’t fake my death, however, the idea has tempted me before, but no, I’m not letting you chase me out of my town over a silly little bet. So you can catch me a million different times before next week, and I’ll still get away with it, each and every time.

JACOB

You’re a dead man Sam Connor!

SAM CONNOR

Yikes!

                                                                                   Jacob runs after Sam offstage.

JACOB

I’ll ring your neck out Sam. You just wait till I get hold of you. I’ll be selling tickets to your real funeral. Just you wait, Sam.

WESLEY

Run Sam, run!

COFFIN HOLDER

Yes, Yes. Go, Mr. Connor!

Scene Two: Hatch’s Pub.

Sam bursts through the front door.

SAM CONNOR

Hey ho, well if it isn’t Mr. Hatch. I gotta question for you old friend.

HATCH

This better not be about the telephone again Sam, I don’t have any better idea of how it works than yo do.

SAM CONNOR

No, I got over that once that woman I was bedding moved back to study at Aberdeen. But ah, think I’m due a drink about now, ain’t that right, Hatch.

HATCH

Damn contest winner, that’ll be the last time I doubt you when it comes to your drinking abilities, that’s for sure. Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?

SAM CONNOR

Did I come by here last night?

HATCH

Yes sir, should’a guessed this would happen. You threw a pocket full of coins at me and asked for seven glasses of gin within a half hour before heading out.

SAM CONNOR

God, I had money, and I spent it here! What did me and my bleeden demons get into last night?

HATCH

Well-

SAM CONNOR

How, bout a refill there Hatch. I can taste my ale growing stale.

HATCH

You poor fool, Sam. Well on account of your mighty fine tip last night, I suppose I could tell you.

SAM CONNOR

Tell me what!?

HATCH

You kept on blabbing on about that Brooke girl, the one who comes in on the weekdays.

SAM CONNOR

Brooke, I didn’t bed her. At least not last night, to the best of my knowledge.

HATCH

Do you owe her money?

SAM CONNOR

To that good woman, I’d never.

HATCH

You propose to her or something?

SAM CONNOR

You’d think I’d ever settle down.

HATCH

Huh, then you must have slipped the ball in one night. I reckon you be having her baby.

SAM CONNOR

She’s not pregnant!

HATCH

She might be, I haven’t seen her around too often.

SAM CONNOR

I’m not having a baby!

HATCH

Well, what else would it be Sam? What would’a gotten you so worked up about her after something you clearly don’t remember given how much Gin I funneled into ye.

SAM CONNOR

I don’t want to think about it.

Sam slides his empty glass to the

edge of the bar and glances

up to Hatch.

SAM CONNOR

Hit me again, now would’ja there Hatch.

HATCH

Maybe, if you plan on paying for those few drinks. Otherwise, consider yourself cut off.

SAM CONNOR

Cut-off! What in Hell is this Hatch! I’m the best bloody employee you have, you can’t cut me off.

HATCH

You don’t work here, Sam. In fact, I don’t think I’ve heard of you working a day in your life. You’ve hardly ever purchased one of my beers and you’re here most of your days when you’re not hopping around the other hubs trying to find ladies who’ve lost enough sense to spend a night with you.

SAM CONNOR

I have been your business advisor for years now, not to mention the financial planning, and the charity work I do here. Hell, I’m practically your bloody business partner.

HATCH

Business partner!? Ha! To think I’d trust the town drunk with financial matters at my bar. Heavens no. Sure, I let you pass out on the corner bench once a week, you may clean up your own vomit, but no Sam, you are not an employee here.

SAM CONNOR

 I’m shocked Hatch, I really am. To treat me this way after I’ve pulled in so many customers for you.

HATCH

Sam, look around the place. This is my bar, and even I can say that not you, nor I, or anyone else could pull any business my way. The whole damned world’s gone broke, and no one can spare a pound for a casual drink at an ol’ pub like this.

Sam slams down a handful of coins

onto the bar. It’s not enough to pay

his dues, but Hatch is touched.

SAM CONNOR

I can.

HATCH

Well, that’s why we all call you the town drunk.

SAM CONNOR

Funny little speck arn’tchya. Keep calling me that and be bloody sure you’ll lose both your only customer and friend.

HATCH

You’re short, Sam. But I suppose that’ll still earn ya some of this new lager I got a few shipments of. But be warned, it’s so strong with a flavor so pure, that’s it’s been heavily misunderstood.

SAM CONNOR

I’ll take two.

HATCH

Easy there, buddy. Spend the lil daylight we have in sobriety. It’ll really brighten up your world.

Sam stares at Hatch for an

uncomfortably long time.

SAM CONNOR

The hell with your sobriety if I’ve gotta look at your scrambled face all day.

                                                                                    Sam chugs the glass back.

HATCH

Well, somebody’s gotta drink it. Where’d you get the money anyways, Sam? I’ve always wondered how a drunk like you manages to scrounge up the coin for nothing more than a simple drink.

SAM CONNOR

Slipped the coins from your wife’s purse last night.

HATCH

Oh, did’ja now. You’d be doing me a favor ya know. A man can only take so much love from that woman.

SAM CONNOR

She’s a real beast in her sleep ain’t she. I must say, while I was elbows deep in her sac, every time that beast snored I nearly had a heart attack. Didn’t find any coin in there though, I had to check her purse for that!

HATCH

Oh, you blimey little cockroach!

Enters Brooke Storm. Hatch looks

surprised but does not alert Sam.

HATCH

Lord, you have blessed me today. Hey ol’ Sam, watch over the place for me, I’ve gotta go pinch the loaf.

Mid-sip, Sam nods as Hatch exits.

Brooke manages to sneak up behind Sam.

BROOKE STORM

Hey, Sam.

SAM CONNOR

Holy Hell, God all mighty. Damn it, woman! Don’t you scare me like that.

Brooke snatches his glass

and takes a quick gulp.

BROOKE STORM

Ugh, that’s disgusting.

She dumps the rest of the beer on Sam.

SAM CONNOR

Who in hell do you think you are, woman. The bleeden Queen.

BROOKE STORM

That’s for embarrassing me last night and making me track you down all day, you coward.

SAM CONNOR

Eh, I’ve been called worse.

BROOKE STORM

Of course you have, you’re a drunk, liar, fool, adulterer, thief, smuggler, and all around bastard, but you are without a doubt the father of our child and-

She looks away from Sam, in that

time, he vaults over the bar to hide.

BROOKE STORM

Damnit, Sam. Sam! Where are you, you fool!?

She catches him attempting to

pour himself another glass.

BROOKE STORM

Sam!

SAM CONNOR

Oh, right here, dear. Just watching after the bar while good ol’ Hatch is off taking a-

BROOKE STORM

Nevermind about that.

SAM CONNOR

Alright, well, in that case, I’ll just be-

BROOKE STORM

No, Sam! You stay right here, you pitiful excuse for a man.

SAM CONNOR

A little harsh, don’tcha thi-

BROOKE STORM

Harsh, really Sam, like how you abandoned me at two separate bars last night, or harsh like how I’m about to ring you out like a wet towel.

SAM CONNOR

Funny story, that’s actually the second time I’ve been given that threat today.

BROOKE STORM

I’m not surprised, you’re an intolerable man. But somehow, I have to raise a child with you, for the sole reason that you are the only man left I can turn to.

SAM CONNOR

That’s not true, you have plenty of options.

BROOKE STORM

Like what, please elaborate Sam.

SAM CONNOR

Isn’t there some other poor fellow you could blame this on.

BROOKE STORM

Unfortunately, no Sam. This baby is without a doubt yours with only you to blame.

SAM CONNOR

There’s got to be something else.

BROOKE STORM

There isn’t Sam.

SAM CONNOR

If it were up to me, I’d wrap the lil bastard up good and tight and leave out by your local fire department. They’ll find him, care for him, take him away somewhere-

Brooke slaps him across the face.

BROOKE STORM

You evil, despicable, man. For years my husband and I tried to have a child. Year after year we failed and he blamed me. I was so ashamed. With nothing to hold him back, he went off to war left me while drunks like you continued to waste away. Now he’s dead, and I have your child. A life so precious it could save a man’s life and all you want to do with it is toss it to the curb like some worthless trash!

SAM CONNOR

Brooke, I had no-

BROOKE STORM

It doesn’t matter Sam, nothing you says matters anymore. At first, I thought you were just a drunk with some excuse because at times I saw you to be clever and funny. But I see it now, Sam, I know what type of man you are. You wear the devil’s skin and torment the Earth you walk on. I don’t want to see you again Sam. Not now, not ever!

SAM CONNOR

(Weakly) Brooke?

Brook exits. Sam’s shaking hands reach

out for a bottle of Gin. Hatch enters.

HATCH

You’re a fool, Sam. A damn fool.

Hatch exits. Kill the lights

SAM CONNOR

Hatch?

HATCH

(Offstage) Miss. Storm, Brooke, wait!

 

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